Where I’m @

So someone in your family has died. I’m sorry. That’s not flip — I am sorry. For you, for the others around you, for friends of your late family member.

But, mixed in with the grief, there’s a lot of work to be done over the next week and more. Since I went through this just over a month ago as of this writing (early March 2002), I’d like to offer up some of what I learned so that things might be, if not easier, then rather more manageable. To let you focus on the important things: mourning, remembering, consoling and being consoled.

NB: My experience was with a mother who died after more than two years of illness. As well, my family is all Protestant, and non-evangelical at that. Your specific circumstances may alter the applicability of these suggestions.

1. Comfortable shoes

   I’m quite serious. There’s a ton of standing around at funeral events, and if you want to have your mind focused on something other than the ordeal at hand, wear shoes that are too small. But you aren’t supposed to be worried about whether you can stand up for five minutes more, you’re supposed to be able to think and feel. My shoes were only slightly small, and I paid for it. You need a decent pair of black shoes anyway, right?

2. Tell everyone about the death (someone may want to know who you wouldn’t think of)

   The mother of a high school friend of mine, who I hadn’t seen for five or more years. People my father worked with several years ago. College friends of mine from far out of town. One of my father’s fraternity brothers. These people want to be there, for themselves and for you, and you should tell them. A side benefit to telling as many people as you can possibly stand is that it helps get you used to the facts.

3. Expect more people than you think

   Because you’re telling everyone, many people will surprise you, and you may have to do some logistical work in finding places for people to sit or stand, if not to sleep or eat. Nobody’s expecting you to be Julie on the Love Boat, but even at a funeral someone is the host.

4. Brace yourself for the expense

   All told, I ended up taking off nearly a month from work which, since I’ve been doing contract work, meant I didn’t get paid for a month. Even if you’re a fully salaried employee, you may want or need to take some extra time away from your job. (See also #17.)
   That’s not to mention the costs associated with just getting your family member an acceptable coffin, paying for hours at the funeral home, paying for state-mandated funeral expenses (be sure you don’t get rooked on that one), and possibly transporting your family member to the cemetery. But only spend what you want to and what you can afford. Gross debt is not something your family member would want for you, and you probably don’t want it either.

5. Know who’s in charge at the funeral home.

   We had a pretty decent situation, due no doubt in part to the fact that my mom went to quite literally the only funeral home in town. Additionally, the town was in Massachusetts, which is a very nicely regulated state. There are arguable drawbacks to a state governed in this way, but it’s a good feeling when a bereaved family must be shown and must sign a document explaining what their rights are and attesting that the funeral home didn’t take advantage of them.

6. Don’t be afraid to say what you want as concerns the funeral arrangements.

   Take this point with a grain of salt if the family member is not one of your parents or a sibling. But if that is the case, you’ll be sorry later if you hear something coming — an overly ostentatious casket, a closed-casket service if you feel strongly about open caskets, what have you — and you don’t say anything about it. You might think about what you feel most strongly about and make that your Rubicon, so you don’t cause irreparable family damage over what turns out to be inconsequential.
   Conversely, listen to what others have to say if you end up being more or less in charge. Everyone has opinions and other family members have a right to make requests.

7. Decide whether you’ll say anything at the funeral, and write it down.

   Speaking at a funeral is an exceedingly difficult task. Most people are lucky if they get a coherent set of words together. So if you are going to speak, or even think you might, be sure to write down what it is you want to say. Put it on notecards in your funeral suit pocket, or on your PDA (that’s what I did) so that you can access it without thinking.

8. Appropriate clothing

   In my book, as well as in that of many professionals, if you’re family, you wear black. Furthermore, these days, many people have a black suit or the equivalent in separates anyway. (Which didn’t stop a friend of my father’s from Indiana from remarking that he knew who the New Yorkers were by the amount of black they were wearing.)

9. Read an etiquette book

   Post, Vanderbilt, Miss Manners — any of the old standards should be good. Don’t bother with the newer guides, because they see too many shades of gray. Your family and friends and acquaintances will notice favorably if you follow the forms, whether or not they know the forms themselves.

10. Take some time for yourself

    Go for a walk, a drive, a bike ride, but make sure to be alone sometime during the process. If nothing else, you’ll get a chance to listen to some silence.

11. Take some time to be alone with individual immediate family survivors.

    To the extent you can, it’s important to have private time with some other people, for some of the same reasons it’s important to take some time by yourself. This is especially true for your S.O., children, or parents.

12. Remember the dead

    One thing that I wish we had done during my mom’s funeral week was something that my father’s mother said they did at her brother’s funeral: Apparently just before the funeral service, the closest family members in attendance gathered in a room at the church and each person said something s/he remembered about Jerry. Possibly a story or a quality, perhaps just something he said one time that made someone think. For sure, everyone would have had something to say about my mom, and I would have liked that.
    From time to time over the days following mom’s death, I tried to make myself ask people what they remembered about her, but it didn’t go as well as I had expected and I still don’t know why. Maybe it would go better for you.

13. Listen

    Somewhat in connection with the preceding point, I would suggest that you do your best to listen to what other people say to you. Not only might they say something about the dead person you would want to know, but sincere words belie a sincere heart, and they might give you some comfort.
    Listen as well to what people do. My mom’s best friend from middle school and high school flew up from Texas for the day. One of my aunts was extraordinarily helpful around our house. One cousin, conversely, didn’t even get his act together to make it to the funeral.

14. Brace yourself for inappropriate behavior.

    My mom’s parents didn’t make it to one event. Not the visiting hours at the funeral home, not the memorial service, not the interment. I understand why they couldn’t, I really do. But it was a surprise, and you too will probably encounter something that makes you wonder, or worse. Most likely, you’re going to be feeling extra-sensitive and something as minor as a suit in the wrong shade might set you off.
    People do funny things when they encounter death, and someone who hasn’t experienced what you are experiencing may act in a way that you feel is highly unacceptable. Try to remember, if it fits, what it was like when you were in their position.

15. Respond to all condolences in kind.

    Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, letters to letters, email to email.
    Again, not to be flip: “in kind” is one of the governing mantras of proper behavior, and people will remember you favorably for it. Just as you will appreciate getting a thoughtful note from someone, so will that person appreciate your acknowledging it.
    Then again, you don’t have to send a mass card to someone who sends you one. (Which is especially nice if your family’s not Roman Catholic and you can’t figure out why in the name of Minnie Pearl someone would enroll your Congregationalist mother in a Jesuit organization.)

16. Don’t be shy about telling people afterward.

    It’s not a ploy to get sympathy when someone asks you what’s new and you tell them that someone recently died. If you had a baby, you’d say that as the top thing, right? People deserve to know and may feel excluded if you don’t tell them. Of course, it’s your right to not tell someone. Believe me, it does get a bit tiring after a while responding to the umpteenth person asking you how you’re doing in that significant tone of voice.

17. Lastly, give yourself time.

    Mourning and grieving takes a long time. The minister who did Mom’s interment told Dad that two years is the usual time to come fully out of mourning. Of course, he was speaking to the 35-year married partner of the deceased. It’ll take a different amount of time for different people. And some things may never go away. I spoke with an older friend of mine (probably about 45 or so) whose father died over 20 years ago, and she said that she still cries sometimes when something triggers a fond memory or a regret.
    Which is itself a subset of this point, that sadness may seem to go away but crop up at odd times and as the result of unexpected stimuli. A song, a family holiday, a person on the street who looks like your family member may make you feel blue for the rest of the day or just start crying wherever you are.