Two responses to last week's Merge-Matic postings. Trip writes:
I thought that stuff looked familiar. That merge-matic contest was from March 1999! You can keep track of what they do in that space weekly, should you be a glutton for wordplay.
And Josh Gitelson made up some most clever MMs of his own:
"Absalome, Absalome!"
Another Faulknerian hybrid in which several characters recount the decline of a Southern family. The coup de grace comes when the matriarch demands the severed head of a man who, through a twisted series of mistaken identities, turns out to be her lone remaining heir.
"The Sun Also Spracht Zarathustra"
A turgid novel about the übermensch, wasting away in Spain as he philosophizes over his absinthe.
"Little Women in Love"
The sordid truth behind all that coquettry…
"Oleanna Karenina"
Anna Sues the Prince for harrassment...
"The Old Man and the Sea Gull"
That fucking bird keeps eluding him…
You can get it from the friendly folks at Apostrophic Lab.
| Design |
The merry marketeers over at R.J. Reynolds have decided that a 1998 agreement limiting advertising in youth-oriented magazines like Rolling Stone was merely a "guideline," according to a recent article in the New York Times. (If you're interested, you can read their official response here.) They've also obviously read the news that the laws of the universe may be slowly changing over time. The result? The new Winston S2, packaged in a silver box (the bright-shiny-object method), with the tagline "Quantum Smooth."
OK, so it's been 12 years or so since I've taken physics. But doesn't the whole quantum-thing mean an electron jumps from one energy state to another? You know, "quantum leap"? Isn't that the exact antithesis of smooth? So what the heck does "quantum smooth" anyway? I guess that it's another oxymoron, ranking up there with "responsible cigarette advertising."
| Advertising | Quantum Mechanics |
We have a son! Benjamin August Everett-Lane, born on Sunday August 12th at 3 a.m., 8 lbs 0.5 oz, 20.25 inches. You can gaze on him here. More pictures to come!
|
Thanks to Colin for this forward:
From the Washington Post Style Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and to provide a suitable blurb.
Honorable Mentions:
"Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, MD)
"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington, DC)
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington, DC)
"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton, VA)
"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.(Dave Pickering, Bowie, MD)
"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, MD)
"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.
"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.
"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.
"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.
"Singing in the Black Rain"- A gang of vicious Japanese drug lords beat the s@#$ out of Gene Kelly.
"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?
"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.
"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and two annoying children.
"The Exorstentialist" - Camus' psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.
Second Runner-Up:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, AZ)
First Runner-Up:
"Green Eggs and Hamlet" -
Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.
(Robin Parry, Arlington, VA)
And the Winner of the Dancing Critter:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Wood, Newark. N.J.)
I am appalled that anyone would buy JFK Jr.'s Cessna. (Not the one he crashed in, I'm guessing.) And I'm jealous that someone else will get to own the Fantasy Island seaplane. Anyone got an extra $250thou?
eBay About Me for aircraftsale
|
At NoRelevance there's a feature on 45 rpm record label design. Very cool.
|
Like Andrea, I sometimes look at subway posters for their deeper, hidden meanings. Today, during my Morning Rush Hour Glazed Stare, the poster for HBO's upcoming telecast of Madonna's "Drowned World" Tour caught my eye. (Well, I couldn't really move anway.) There, underneath that typographic dingbat, in faint lines, is the Kabbalistic Tree of Life. Now, Madonna is no stranger to using religious iconography, but this seems a bit more obscure than, say, making out with a saint or something. One wonders what the Non-Material Kabbalists think of all this. And if Madonna is using that Kabbalist Locksmith whose truck I keep seeing in Chelsea (honest!).
| Advertising | Kabbalah | Religion |
Apologies in advance, but I was doing a little research into straw bale homes, and look what turned up! I don't mean to be morbid or glib, but I have to admit, this delights me to no end. Ok, well, to SOME end, but I don't know when, or where, or how.
Ah... at last, I can feel the tide turning against those multi-layered titanium bomb shelters that people have been getting buried in for the last however long. For all you "first little pigs," you can finally shuffle off this mortal coil knowing that you'll be providing the creatures of dankness with a delicious picnic at the *earliest* possible moment.
I *love* this idea. Everyone should run right out and get one. What? Well, you might as well. And look! Up until your own personal Judgement Day, there are a 1001 uses! Here's my favorite sentence/s (a triumph of naturalistic ad copy, let me tell you):
"Some people buy the Basic Straw Coffin before they need one. This way they know that their wishes will be carried out. They use the large boxes for storage, as window seats, coffee tables, wine racks, book shelves or you think of a use................"
NOTE: All those ellipses -- presumably symbolizing a long contemplative silence -- were NOT added by me!
Lynn, think of all the basil we could grow on the roof!
AND, it's economical! For less than the price of most gym memberships, you can go from dust to dust in record time.
I'm compelled to mention, also, that running a close second in the "my favorite sentence" category is this gem:
"The hardware can be removed at the final destination." Heehee! I hope they have a socket set handy in Valhalla.
I'm not really an ad guy anymore, but just because I love these guys so much, I'm going to give them a freebie. Watch for their brand new ad banner, coming soon to a renewable funeral supply Web site near you:
Ahem.
"You caused your mother a heck of a lot of trouble when you came into this world. Why not go easy on Mother Earth................. on your way out?"
Hey! Can I get that to go?
Colin
http://www.ricestraw.com/coffin/
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Is it just me, or does this look like an elementary school teacher enduring a dreadful oral report?
| Funerals |
I don't need to read Agatha Christie or P.D. James, because I always have my own modern-day mystery plaguing every waking thought: What was that song's sample? The original record must be so insane! So I engage in unrestrained humming, asking strangers if they know, scanning band fan sites, and still.....I never get on the good foot. But no more, baby! I've found the place to bust my grooves: Sample FAQ.
This site takes you there. Takes you to all the secrets. Takes you to the true history of funk. For instance: You say, give me a sample-able funk groove, and I say James Brown and P-Funk. Correct, indeed. But if you know the right song to pick, and all you need is one song, then Melvin Bliss is JB's equal--Synthetic Substitution! P-Funk? They're busy huffing and puffing in their big boots to keep up with the Honeydrippers‹Impeach the President!>
Check out all the give and take take take, and then you, just like Biz Markie in "I Hear Music," will be singing along with the Impressions, "We're a Winner...."
[NB: I was shocked to discover, on searching for "James Brown," that there were no samples listed! What kind of alternate universe hell had I fallen into? But I breathed a sigh of relief -- there are plenty under "Brown, James".]
| Sampling |
Now THIS is fascinating. (And weird.) Anybody have firsthand experience observing this device? Story is from Silicon Alley Daily.
I've seen DJs play with pitch-modulating CD players -- making effective BPM mixing possible sans vinyl -- but this is an entirely different beast.
CMM
[NB: The device in question is Final Scratch, which lets DJs manipulate digital files using an actual turntable as the interface. Kinda reminds me of the Gutenberg Bible, which looks just like the manuscripts of its day. You stick with the interface you're used to, you know what I mean?]
|
So, the two most-talked about endings of the summer blockbusters: A.I. and Planet of the Apes. A collective "Wha?" is heard from theaters throughout the land. The critics and the critical can't decide: are these endings brilliant, senseless, gimmicks, or all three? Debbie had the oh-so-brilliant idea of switching the endings of A.I. and POTA. How would this work, you say? Herewith, my attempt. NOTE: Ishbadiddle is using advanced ColorMask technology to avoid giving away the endings. Merely select the text below to read.
Haley Joel Osment's ship plunges into the ocean. But before he can find the Blue Fairy, the ship suddenly falls through a plot device and appears over the skies of Washington, DC. He crash lands on the Mall, skidding over to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. (Now, if we had a WWII Memorial, it might have stopped him....) Confused, he goes inside. Seated there is a giant statue of ... his mother! His Oedipal drive in high gear, he runs outside, where he's surrounded by cops, all of them robot versions of himself. Realizing that Hollywood is sending him a message (that all child actors are interchangable and replaceable), he shakes his fist at the sky and cries, "Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
Capt. Mark Wahlberg blasts off into the electromagnetic storm and falls into a plot device. His ship's chronometer, blithely ignoring relativity, shows him catapulting into the future. His ship approaches Earth and crashes into Coney Island, now submerged beneath the left-over set from Waterworld. Trapped beneath the Wonder Wheel, he is forced to stare at a giant Nathan's hotdog for a full 20 minutes until he is rescued by aliens. Or super-intelligent robots, take your pick.
Capt. Mark Wahlberg: "Wow. Can you, like, send me back home to my own time?"
Alien/Super-Intelligent Robot: "We can. We discovered that the universe contains mystical traces of the past. But we'll need something from your own time to send you back."
CMW, searching his pockets: "But I don't have anything!"
Teddy Ruxpin, handing him a cassette tape: "Here. Don't break me."
A/S-IR: "Because of the limitations of our Plot Device, we can only send you back for one day. Close your eyes and click your heels together three times."
He closes his eyes. Suddenly he hears the opening notes of "Step by Step." Opening his eyes, he realizes that he must spend his last day on earth as a New Kid on the Block. Shaking his fist at the sky, he cries, "Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
Oh yeah, and Colin found this guy at Slate who will explain the actual POTA ending to you. Impress your friends!
|