So, the two most-talked about endings of the summer blockbusters: A.I. and Planet of the Apes. A collective "Wha?" is heard from theaters throughout the land. The critics and the critical can't decide: are these endings brilliant, senseless, gimmicks, or all three? Debbie had the oh-so-brilliant idea of switching the endings of A.I. and POTA. How would this work, you say? Herewith, my attempt. NOTE: Ishbadiddle is using advanced ColorMask technology to avoid giving away the endings. Merely select the text below to read.
Haley Joel Osment's ship plunges into the ocean. But before he can find the Blue Fairy, the ship suddenly falls through a plot device and appears over the skies of Washington, DC. He crash lands on the Mall, skidding over to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. (Now, if we had a WWII Memorial, it might have stopped him....) Confused, he goes inside. Seated there is a giant statue of ... his mother! His Oedipal drive in high gear, he runs outside, where he's surrounded by cops, all of them robot versions of himself. Realizing that Hollywood is sending him a message (that all child actors are interchangable and replaceable), he shakes his fist at the sky and cries, "Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
Capt. Mark Wahlberg blasts off into the electromagnetic storm and falls into a plot device. His ship's chronometer, blithely ignoring relativity, shows him catapulting into the future. His ship approaches Earth and crashes into Coney Island, now submerged beneath the left-over set from Waterworld. Trapped beneath the Wonder Wheel, he is forced to stare at a giant Nathan's hotdog for a full 20 minutes until he is rescued by aliens. Or super-intelligent robots, take your pick.
Capt. Mark Wahlberg: "Wow. Can you, like, send me back home to my own time?"
Alien/Super-Intelligent Robot: "We can. We discovered that the universe contains mystical traces of the past. But we'll need something from your own time to send you back."
CMW, searching his pockets: "But I don't have anything!"
Teddy Ruxpin, handing him a cassette tape: "Here. Don't break me."
A/S-IR: "Because of the limitations of our Plot Device, we can only send you back for one day. Close your eyes and click your heels together three times."
He closes his eyes. Suddenly he hears the opening notes of "Step by Step." Opening his eyes, he realizes that he must spend his last day on earth as a New Kid on the Block. Shaking his fist at the sky, he cries, "Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
Oh yeah, and Colin found this guy at Slate who will explain the actual POTA ending to you. Impress your friends!
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