January 2004 Archives

"Needless to say," she writes, "the convent was not what I expected. I entered in 1962 as an ardent, idealistic, untidy, unrealistic, and immature teenager, and left seven years later, having suffered a mild breakdown, obscurely broken and damaged. This was nobody's fault, even though I assumed that the failure was entirely my own doing."

For ten IshPoints, which of the following newsworthy items from the world of Reality Television is not true? (answer obtained by clicking on the relevant links - make your choice before selecting!)

A. There is a reality show whose premise is to live off the land while Ted Nugent torments you (you know, like chases you around with a chainsaw). Winner gets $25,000. But filming had to be suddenly halted when Ted put the chainsaw through his leg. (NO WAY!)

B. There is a reality show whose premise is to have a dozen dwarf women compete with average-size females for the affection of a 4-foot 5-inch bachelor. Winner gets the bachelor. And it has the support of the LPA (Little People of America). (NO WAY!)

C. There is a reality show whose entire premise is to follow around Mandy Moore and her tennis-player boyfriend Andy Roddick. There are no winners, especially among the viewers. But it looks like it won't get off the ground because even Mandy Moore thinks Mandy Moore is too boring. (NO WAY!)

D. There is a reality show whose premise is tricking a girl into thinking she has to trick her family into thinking she is going to marry a lout, when really the lout is just an actor and the joke is on her (read it again - its complicated). Winner gets $500,000. Unfortunately, the girl turns out to be a Catholic School teacher in real life, and she's getting fired for "making a mockery of marriage." So I guess 'winner' gets fired. (NO WAY!)

Good Luck!

And don't forget to enjoy Survivor All-Stars, on right after the SuperBowl!

According to experts, Henry V's pre-battle "Crispin Shriek" may be his political undoing. "There he was, going on about how the soldiers were his 'brothers' and how they'd be showing off their scars, years from now," said University of Texas Prof. Jurgen Streeck, a linguist and president of the International Society for Gesture Study. "I was stunned by the inappropriateness of it. These soldiers aren't his brothers at all. I'm sure they saw right through that false machismo."

Other experts agreed. Anthropologist David B. Givens, director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies in Spokane, Wash., said "It was the least kingly body language I think I've seen in any of the campaigns against the French so far. His constant references to St. Crispin -- hardly a well-known saint among the masses he's trying to influence -- came across as nearly hysterical."

Henry's speech, which rose to a yelling volume as he shouted "we happy few," could spell the end of his reign. "There weren't a 'few' soldiers -- there were hundreds," said University of Pennsylvania communications Prof. Kathleen Hall Jamieson. "Who wants a king who clearly can't count? And the overconfidence in his speech, when he was clearly outnumbered by the French -- this is a man who's about to lose. It's no time to be screaming. I would say it's nowhere on the continuum of kingly public behavior." While many pundits had previously spoken of Henry's common touch, his poll numbers immediately plunged after the "Crispin Shriek" was broadcast. Several composers have even sampled it in madrigals, as all Britain wonders: does Henry have an anger management problem?

Montjoy, spokesman for the French, could not be reached for comment.

[Note: names and titles borrowed from this Daily News hack on Dean's speech, in case you didn't get the point.]

Business 2.0 presents the 2004 edition of its annual Dumbest Moments in Business Awards. Herewith, a few favorites I hadn't heard of:

50 Translation: Stock images look OK, and photo shoots are really, really expensive. In February, the Bermuda Department of Tourism struggles to explain how it managed to use a photograph of a Hawaiian beach for a new marketing campaign. The answer: It hired a New York ad agency. Tourism minister Renee Webb explains that the photo selection allowed for "maximum creative impact with superior fiscal responsibility."

60 At Goldman, every employee (except the 80 to 85 percent of you slackers who don't do a damn thing) is special.
At an investment conference in January, Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson explains his company's recent layoffs: "There are 15 to 20 percent of the people that really add 80 percent of the value. Although we have a lot of good people, you can cut a fair amount ... and still be well positioned for the upturn." Paulson later apologizes in a voice-mail message sent to every Goldman employee.

72 Gov. Schwarzenegger quickly unveils a new plan to fix the state's budget woes by selling herbal supplements and prepaid phone cards.
Animal-rights group PETA sues the California Milk Advisory Board for false advertising in a campaign that claims that "happy cows come from California," contending that California's cows actually live on dung- and urine-soaked lots. A judge dismisses the case on a technicality, ruling, in essence, that as a state entity, the CMAB is free to deceive customers as much as it likes.

97 Should you find that your boss is a complete and total jerkwad, use one of his machines to post his memo on the Web.
"I expect my computers to be used for work only. I expect my phones to be used for work only. Should you receive a personal call, keep it short. Should you receive a personal e-mail, I expect the e-mail either not answered, or a brief note telling whoever is sending you e-mails at work to stop immediately. Should I go through machines, which I assure you, I will be doing, and I find anything to the contrary, you will be terminated immediately. For those who think I am kidding, and do not get with this program, I will promise you that by Christmas eve 8:00 you will be gone."—From a memo sent to employees in November by Doug Monahan, founder and chairman of technology marketing firm Sunset Direct. It was promptly posted on InternalMemos.com.

So, if you were a famous singer who just happened to be an accused child molester, and you were going to produce a song for another famous singer who just happened to be an accused child molester, what would be the worst possible name for that song? "You Are Not Alone?" Or "One More Chance?"

Perhaps on the suspicion that they are not alone in their interests, or that they may take one more chance to pursue them, a judge has spontaneously ordered Michael Jackson to stay away from R. Kelly at next month's Grammys. No word if the duo will collaborate on a remake of an old classic, tentatively titled, "I Fought The Law (and I Won)."

ashidomenyc: http://search.ebay.com/search/search.dll?query=imaginary+girlfriend
ishbadiddle: i like the "imaginary ex-girlfriends"
ashidomenyc: nice
ishbadiddle: jeebus you could make some bucks at this
ishbadiddle: this girl made $500 http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2980012461&category=1467
ashidomenyc: 34 bids
ishbadiddle: for 8 letters and a pair of panties?
ashidomenyc: she must've been hot
ishbadiddle: http://thumbs.ebaystatic.com/pict/2980012461.jpg
ishbadiddle: eh.
ashidomenyc: eh
ishbadiddle: and who exactly was searching on ebay for this?
ashidomenyc: kottke
ishbadiddle: ah
ashidomenyc: don't blame me :)

The process begins by asking the customer how much they want for a monthly payment. Usually, they say, about $300. "Then, you just say, '$300... up to?' And they'll say, 'Well, $350.' Now they've just bumped themselves $50 a month. That's huge." You then fill in $350 under the monthly payment box.

Flower-Power Could Help Clear Land mines

Check out this Search Engine Relationship Chart that shows just who supplies what search results to whom. Kewl.

Sim City Classic.

The Contents page works now, sort of. You can view contents by Author or by Category.

Note that the Author contents only include posts that have been imported, categorized, keyworded, and republished. I'm close to done with the importing process, and have made a bit of headway on republishing my old posts.

[Update: Finally figured out how to create an index of keywords, so there's now a Subject Index, sorted and linked and everything!]

Coming later: monthly archives.

My full-length analysis of this year's contest - for those who actually enjoy reading my prattlings - is also online.

Last year, I went 4 for 5. I'm feeling pretty shaky about my last three picks this year. But then, I always feel unsure about something.

Your turn: gimme your picks. Where are the flaws in my logic? Is Seabiscuit better-loved than I thought? Is American Splendor a bigger deal than I guessed? Is my Lost in Translation pick wishful thinking? Feedback, please.

Someday, we'll do this for money.

Someday, I'm totally going to own a dog. Impossible for the moment, since my work hours basically would require me to totally delegate all dog-related duties to my wife, and that is a kind of responsibility-dumping that I only feel comfortable inflicting on my child (who is, for the moment, too young).

I'm a 'mutt' man myself. Can't stand the purebreeds. Too snooty. Too polished. "Legacy dogs," I call 'em. So imagine my chagrin to discover that mutts are all the rage among the well-to-do. Not any old mutt, of course. Only mutts with cute names need apply (Goldendoodles? Isn't that a breakfast cereal? Cockapoo? Isn't that a bird?). And only owners with a couple of G's to spend as well.

Pretty soon, I'm guessing we'll see the pound packed with abandoned Shih-tzus (isn't he a philosopher?) and Yorkies (isn't that a pudding?).

Just something to Schnoodle about (isn't that a traditional German dish?)

Susie and Mike gave me this CD by their college buddies Adam and Chris, aka Fountains of Wayne. Their swirling guitars remind me of XTC, but of course 'Stacy's Mom' is total Cars. The first track, 'Mexican Wine' has a way of getting stuck in your head. In a good way.

Neutral Milk Hotel. I'm really into this, which I heard over at Andrea & Jay's some time ago and am just getting around to buying (hey, I'm only behind by five years!) and which got me through a lousy day of crisscrossing the city in the drumming rain. It's like a sestina. Oh, and I just read on the Amazon review that it's about Anne Frank somehow. Now I have to listen to it again.

Alex J. writes:

I want to contribute a review of a miraculous book I read. It's called My Dog Tulip, by J.R. Ackerley. Ack was this homo who lived the tortured semi-closeted queebo life in London and died in '67. In My Father and Myself, a subsequent book (published after his death), he writes about his inability to achieve any real connection with other gay guys... Tulip provides a kind of objective correlative to his personal struggles... That's my read on it anyway. It's very arch, very pointed, meticulous, and thorny prose. Not for everyone, but great stuff if you have the stomach for it.

I just heard that Brian Wilson is going on tour and performing his magnum opus Smile. The first performance is at the end of February, in the UK. According to the Guardian , Wilson has "finished" the album and may release a recorded version later, although it's not clear if these would include original tracks or just the new version. Nor do I understand how much the album will have changed. I thought he destroyed "Mother O'Leary's Cow" and perhaps other tracks as well.

Can anybody fill me in ?

[I have all of these other posts stacked up in my head waiting to come out, some of which I actually have some scratchings on, but this jumped way to the front of the queue]

WOW

Remarks by the President to the Press Pool, Nothin' Fancy Cafe, Roswell, New Mexico. Just a note: this is on the official whitehouse.gov, not the satire site whitehouse.org.

The other day I got an ususal IM

minori89: greetings from ghana
ishbadiddle: wow hi
ishbadiddle: how was your trip?
minori89: long! but worth it, ghana is amazing
ishbadiddle: well it's bitterly cold here in new york, the setting sun is making the empire state building glow pink
minori89: ooh
ishbadiddle: tell me what it's like there
minori89: it is like 90 degrees here, and humid, though there was a rainstorm this afternoon -- it was sooo beautiful, unbelievable
minori89: i took tons of pics

That's right, Dot has left Boise and is now in Ghana, of all places. And of course she's got a blog about it. 90 degrees sounds pretty good about now.

I can totally see myself in 1982 seeing the original "Regard of Flight," Bill Irwin's postmodern slapstick, and loving it. The Regard Evening also includes a new "postscript" wherein the three actors worry about getting older, about their websites, and about their ukuleles. Through 2/1/04.

What's Special About This Number?. Via URLDJ.

Hamlet - The Text Adventure. Via memepool.

OK, so I haven't actually seen Charade, so I'll just review this on its own merits. Much better than The Bourne Identity, the other romance-thriller-set-in-Paris-with-bland-American-lead-actor of 2002. Most remarkable for the chemistry between Thandie Newton (in the Audrey Hepburn role) and Christine Boisson as the police commander. Final score: eh.

an epochal achievement, I believe this may be the culminating accomplishment of years of painstaking programming skills, scientific inquiry, and dare I say it an epochal achievement for humanity?
judge for yourself.

p.s. let me know if you can beat a 340.

A streamed version of Al Franken's dial-in recap of the State of the Union lives here.

Find out which Presidential candidate most floats your boat. I betcha I get the Count again.

"One of the most awful prospects of the next presidential election is the return of…that damn map."

Over at CommonWealth, Robert David Sullivan redivides the country into 10 regions that cut across state boundaries. I've seen similar efforts to map demographic types, but this is a pretty detailed look at the political effects, especially for the upcoming election.

FYI, all 3000+ comments have now been imported from the old blog. It actually didn't go too badly (following these instructions). Left to do:

• Categorize, keyword, and publish my old posts


• Encourage others to do likewise :)


• Organize and import posts from 1/15/2001 to 1/30/2002


• Fix permalink structure (see here)


• Fix Individual Entry Archive, Comment pop-up, Category Archive, Search Results, and Monthly Archive design


• Generate Table of Contents index, which will link to Category Contents, Monthly Contents, Author Index, and Keyword Index


• Implement keyword index


• Implement anti-spam measures in comments

Which is best:

• The Matrix
• Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
• Babe
• or Lord of the Rings?

Ten Ishpoints for the first commenter to identify their common element.

TinyApps.Org

Well, how appropriate my first post on the new Ish will be an echo of an old post on the previous Ish: Justice Pickering is back in the news, and in a big way.

"Justice Pickering?" you ask? Yes. Justice Pickering. You see, your President has decided not to muck about with this whole "U.S. Constitution" baloney, and just skip the confirmation process and appoint Charles Pickering to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals.

How? Well, since Congress is in recess, the President has the power to make "recess appointments." These appointments aren't for life (like a true Federal judge), but they do last until the next Congress takes office - meaning January of 2005.

Moxie. The guy really has moxie. He's basically putting himself above the Constitution - a move that should infuriate true conservatives. It certainly gets my libertarian side's dander up. But if he gets away with this and still gets elected, fuggetta about it. Don't bother with elections in 2008, just declare Bush President-For-Life and let him pick all the judges. Who needs Congress?

CJR Campaign Desk

One of the minor rituals of American presidential politics is the post-election self-examination (or perhaps I should say self-flagellation) by the press. Quadrennially, we regret having pursued some lines of inquiry while ignoring others, or having gotten caught up in momentary feeding frenzies over unimportant things, or having been too susceptible to spin -- and then we resolve to do a better job next time. But now we have a new tool. In 2004, the Web makes it possible to analyze and criticize press coverage in real time, so that suggestions for improved coverage might actually be heeded, and incorporated into campaign coverage, while the campaign is still under way.

After the "kung-fu" martial arts robots come ... break dancing robots.

[THIS JUST IN: Japanese make a robot than can act. Keanu Reeves fears for his job]

Over at the Beacon, Al Gore just gave what some (namely Joe Conason, one of the sharpest knives in the liberal media drawer) are calling the speech of his career. In this, a measured but unyielding attack on Bush's environmental policy, he calls the Boy King a "moral coward." Meanwhile, reliable old neocon hyenas like Blunt and Drudge heckle from an angle that panders so boldly it's breathtaking.

Yeah, the Earth. Phssh. Who's got time? Honestly, Al, the environment is so gay.

100% effective at stopping the government from reading your pet's brain!

After our month+ hiatus, we're pleased to return with a new look, a new engine, and a new scheme. Today's the 2nd anniversary of our first post. That chain mail idea didn't really work out, but the blog sure did.

Bush gets down on one knee and thumbs his nose at everybody.

"He said he was no longer a habitué of Internet pornography and rarely watched CNBC. And he is in love."

Where Are The Snows of Yesteryear?
What Is The Fate of France?
Why Is The World so Filled With Fear?
Where Did You Put My Pants?